Reasons I’ve Said Fuck Today

It’s Wednesday, yet it feels like Monday. Like, Hump Day’s on snooze after too much wine. Because I realized five minutes ago that I’ve used my favorite expletive way too much (either quietly in my head, or not so quietly out loud), I decided to share the reasons why.

  1. After waking up early, on purpose, I spent an hour on my phone checking emails and social media accounts before I got up to pee. Fuck.
  2. I forgot to charge the phone overnight, which means my hour messing around on it this am drained the battery to critical levels so it couldn’t make the trip to the bathroom with me. Fuck.
  3. I had to change the toilet paper roll. Again. Because no one else in my house knows how to. Fuck.
  4. My toothbrush was in a different spot in the holder than I remember putting it last night. I wonder why. Like, who used it, dropped it, or played with it while I wasn’t looking? Fuck.
  5. The boy got up before me and snuck into the living room where he turned on the TV and ate who knows what before I had a chance to start our day off right with breakfast and school. Fuckety fuck.
  6. I stepped on a dog’s tail. I won’t divulge which dog, but will say she was rather peeved at me, even though I’m sure I only actually stepped on three hairs. Maybe five. Fuck. Fuck.
  7. Realized we have bagels, but no more vegan cream cheese, and the boy actually wants REAL food for breakfast. Fuck.
  8. Remembered that I was supposed to run an errand yesterday that included dropping off paperwork that was most likely still in the back of my car. Slight panic attack. Fuck. THEN remembered I did this already on Monday. Phew.
  9. Can’t for the life of me find that brand new bottle of conditioner I just bought and paid for at Target, but somehow didn’t make it into the house. Fuck.
  10. My favorite jeans are dirty. Fuck.
  11. Stabbed myself in the eyeball with the mascara wand. FUCK.
  12. Went to use my fave coconut butter lotion to keep my freshly shaved legs nice and smooth for more than ten minutes, but forgot the jar was empty and I didn’t buy more from Trader Joe’s this weekend. Fuck.
  13. My minimalist hair-do gives me elf-ears. Fuck.
  14. Ran around the house post-shower for an hour before realizing I forgot to put the Fitbit back on and track my steps. Fuck.
  15. Someone dropped a coffee pod on the kitchen floor then stepped on it. Did you know they explode? According to my 8-year-old, they do. Someone also lost the broom. Again. Someone else may have yelled for it to be found. It quickly was and crisis was averted. Fuck.
  16. My right middle and ring fingers feel like they were smashed in a door, but they weren’t. No middle fingers in the air for me today. Fuck.
  17. I can’t find the cat. Fuck.
  18. The dog looks guilty of something, like, ‘Sorry, but I totally threw up on your bed’, or ‘Bitch, it’s your fault you left the bread so close to the edge of the counter, not mine that I saw it and ate it’, kind of look. Fuck.
  19. A piece of fuzz on the ground looked like a giant bug, so I side-stepped and somehow squished a pinky toe with the same foot. Like…how? Fuck.
  20. It’s not even noon, and I’ve said FUCK way too many times. Fuuuuck.