Penelope’s First Christmas

Penelope's First Christmas1

 


It was a blistering and furiously windy, Santa-Ana day when Penelope first came home to her new family. Sick from being overheated by a day out in the sun, she spent most of that first week being carried around by her new big sister and hand-fed by her new mom. Though she loved the attention, Penelope wanted more than anything to be well enough to play. Like all babies, she cried. A lot. Mostly for food, but sometimes because she was lonely, missing the family she was separated from, and not knowing exactly where it was that she had ended up. It didn’t take long, however, for Penelope to fit into her new home, with her new siblings, and her new parents. And fit in, she did.

When Penelope regained her strength, her personality was larger than life. She was a sweetheart, gentle but not completely submissive. She was inquisitive to the point of being in danger: touching what shouldn’t be touched, tasting what shouldn’t be tasted, and sleeping in places that shouldn’t be slept in. She loved to climb things but still needed assistance, being as little as she was. And she was always up for cuddles, be it during the early morning hours when everyone else in her family would rather be asleep, or in the middle of the day, when her mom had other things to do, or late at night, when her brothers and sisters were exhausted and no longer interested in playing or telling her stories.

Penelope, though her early months of life were a struggle she was lucky to survive, learned quickly that a certain cry could get her a certain thing. Was she hungry? She had a piercing shout for that. Was she bored? She had a lazy whine for that. Was she tired? She had a tremendous cry for that. But it wasn’t just her vocal chords that grew along with her body, she also became a very smart girl, who by the time Christmas came, was more curious than ever before. Because something amazing and confusing began to happen in her house.

First, things began to disappear. Her concern was palpable. Was the family moving somewhere else, like her first had done? Would they leave Penelope behind? She couldn’t take care of herself yet, not quite, so the idea that the home she had begun to fit into over the last several months would vanish began to eat her up like a sort of starvation. Her tummy hurt, her cries went from frequent to hushed. Because Penelope didn’t want to upset her family. She didn’t want them to forget about her, but she also didn’t want them to see a reason to abandon her. So, she did what any very young girl would do: she watched. As the things that her family had collected over the years began to be boxed up, Penelope was surprised to see new things appear in their place. Fuzzy things that they wouldn’t let her touch, crunchy things that they wouldn’t let her eat, and round things on strings that were so tempting for Penelope to grab, but they wouldn’t let her have. She began to get so frustrated, that she found herself moving around their feet, curiously cautious, but they always told her, ‘No Penelope’, picked her up, and then set her carefully on the other side of the room by herself or with her big brother, who was completely undaunted and uninterested in the strange chaos happening every day. He told her he’d seen this madness before.

And then, something spectacular came. She’d seen the item of amazement outside their windows before, but not like what her parents began to erect in the middle of the family room. It was a tree, but it smelled funny and felt even funnier. Like a toy, but again, they wouldn’t let her near it. It had poky ends they were afraid would get into her eyes, and it slowly began to get covered with twinkling lights and dangling things that made the temptation to touch unbearable. Mom told Dad that Penelope might get so curious about this new tree, that she’d pull on it, or somehow knock it down and hurt herself or the special dangling things hanging off the branches, so she watched late one night, as her parents put back some of the things they had just unpacked, calling them big words like, ‘delicate’, and ‘irreplaceable’. They didn’t trust Penelope to do as she was told. So, she pouted. When her mom tried to hug her that night, she pushed her away. When her oldest sister tried to cuddle with her before bed, she cried until she was taken into another room. She was no longer allowed to explore the floor on her own. Penelope had become a prisoner in her own home. This simply would not do.

Because she wouldn’t allow herself to be treated like a bother, she became secretly defiant. When her mom wasn’t looking, she poked the tree. When the lowest branch bounced, she tasted it, then quickly spat out the foreign dusty-plastic flavor. It really didn’t taste as she expected, which was disappointing. When her dad wasn’t looking, she yanked on one of the dangling things, knocking it off the tree, and watched it roll across the floor, coming to a stop under a nearby chair. Pleased with herself that she had a secret, she vowed to retrieve the strange object later when no one would notice. Just for safe-keeping, of course, she told herself. This is how it went for the first week. Penelope had managed to gather a small cluster of glittery things, fuzzy things, and round things, and kept them hidden under the living room sofa. In the rare moments when she was in the room alone, she would touch them, play with them, taste them (even though nothing tasted all that great), and play innocent when her mom would question her siblings about the changing appearance of the lower half of the tree. She especially enjoyed the sweet things that Penelope had discovered quite by accident when testing out her baby teeth. She took several of these sour-sweet objects that her mom called ‘candy-canes’ whenever she could, using her limited abilities to unwrap them and get a good lick or two in before being discovered. But the thing she wanted most of all was far out of her reach. A snowman, her brother called it, was perched as a lookout at the very tippy-top of the tree, sitting proudly with his tiny red scarf wrapped around his wide neck above two thin stick arms that Penelope had to have.

Once, Penelope’s curiosity took her too far, and she wiggled underneath the tree and began to climb through the branches. There was nothing quiet about this adventure, including the surprised and concerned sounds that came from her family when they discovered her missing, then discovered her half-way up the tree. They documented the incident with their flashy hand-held devices, laughing but also scolding her, and Penelope was banned from the area for two days. This was a long time to be kept away from a new toy for someone as young and inquisitive as Penelope. She didn’t like it. So, when she was allowed back into the living room, she kept her distance, glaring at anyone who got within arm’s length of the tree, her tree, even though her brother told her it wasn’t even a real tree. She feigned zero interest in it so that her parents began to forget her obsession. And then, just two days shy of Christmas morning, she made her move.

Penelope was going to bring this fake-tree down. The soft and squishy looking plushy toy at the top would be hers. The snowman’s reign over her turf was over. She began to devise a wicked plan, one that she knew would land her in the kind of trouble that would give her nightmares for years, but Penelope thought it might just be worth it. As her family cleaned up after the last meal of the day, she waited patiently for the room to clear. Her siblings, much older than she and therefore busy just before bed, were in the back rooms, cleaning their big-kid teeth, going potty, and getting their beds ready for sleep. But Penelope wasn’t tired. She was invigorated.

Mom was in the kitchen putting food away, so Penelope waited, hidden in the shadows behind a chair, knowing full well that her mom thought she was with her other siblings in the back of the house. Dad was at work late, so the mesmerizing lights wrapped around the tree were left on for him, and they beckoned her like a song, a gently-lulling melody that was asking her to play. Trying not to make a sound, Penelope listened to her mom pass through the room and into the back, where she started to make her rounds from child to child. Penelope only had a few seconds to do the unthinkable before everyone began looking for her.

Slowly, with a fierce determination, she crept up to the tree and let her green eyes drift up the six feet to the top, where the snowman waited for her. It took three lunges, two pulls, and a kick, to sway the tree. But it didn’t move in the direction Penelope had planned. It began to tilt dangerously close to where she sat, and there wasn’t time to move before it came crashing down around her. Trapped and terrified, she began to cry. The cry became a howl, and all the lights in the house were flicked back on, one by one. Her family came running into the living room, shouting at each other, calling her name, and turning in circles, not sure of what to do. It was her mom’s hands that found her first. Hands that until that moment, Penelope didn’t realize were so strong, yet so careful. The mess of a tree was lifted off her and righted back into its place, and Penelope was gathered up into her mom’s arms, safe from harm. Her nose hurt, and her mom seemed to know this, so she kissed it, twice. Mom scolded her something terrible, while somehow also expressing her love and concern, into Penelope’s ear: ‘You could have been hurt, Penelope!’ ‘What were you thinking, Penelope?’ ‘You’re so lucky you’re okay, Penelope!’ And her least favorite, ‘Oh, Penelope, look at what you’ve done!’

The tree had an awkward bend to the branches, but that was quickly fixed. She watched from a distance, held firmly in her oldest brother’s arms, as the baubles and crunchy pieces and dangles were picked up off the ground, and stuck back on the branches, and the lights, still twinkling brightly, were re-aligned. It was amazing, her mom said, that nothing was broken. And during all of this, which was truly remarkable to Penelope, the snowman held his ground at the top. She had never been more upset in her short life. Her family cared more about their fake-tree than her, she worried. All she had done was make a mess, and the snowman hadn’t budged? Her plan had failed. And her nose really was hurt. Despite her sniffles, it was draining like she was crying, though she wasn’t. Because Penelope was angry, not sad. She refused her kisses and cuddles that evening, choosing to sleep on her own. It was cold like that, by herself, and she was tired from all the thinking she did during the night. By morning, her dad had heard the story, and she was once again forbidden from the living room without constant supervision.

Penelope was miserable. It was the day before Christmas, and the weather outside was blustery with hot air and frantic winds. There was another Santa Ana passing through, and the extreme warmth reminded Penelope on Christmas Eve of her first few days with her new family. They had taken her in like one of their own. Fed her, cleaned her, gave her attention and love. They still did this. Nothing had changed, she realized, except for the tree. There was no room to climb beneath it, as it was packed with boxes and bags and other things that Penelope was certain she wasn’t allowed to touch, so she did as she was told. She watched from a distance, still curious, but no longer daring enough to knock the snowman off his throne. And the morning of the special day, when her siblings were gathered together with her parents to talk and open presents, Penelope was picked up and held tightly by her mom, who whispered things in her ear that she didn’t really understand but knew were good things. She was happy. Her family wanted her, just as much as they did the day she came home. Even though she was still little, there was a present under the tree for Penelope too, and a surprise after breakfast.

The snowman, her dashing and quiet foe, was plucked off the tree and set down on the floor for Penelope to investigate. Her family watched as she sniffed him, poked at him, and knocked him over, but unlike when Penelope fell over, he stayed on his side, staring off into the distance, with his red felt scarf flapped over his crooked carrot nose, and she realized something startling. There was simply nothing scary or intimidating about this snowman. In fact, he was hollow, his plush outside hiding how empty on the inside he was. She felt a pang of sorrow for him, that his only time to shine was during the few weeks leading up to that day. Soon, everything on the tree, including the snowman, would be boxed up and put away, where it would wait until Penelope was no longer a young girl before it returned. She chewed on the button that dangled from his stick arm and didn’t complain when her mom scooped him back up and returned him to his post. He had earned his place there, she thought. It was rightfully his, because without him on top of the tree, looking out across the family, there was something missing. Penelope definitely didn’t want his job. For starters, she didn’t think she would fit on top of the tree. Plus, she couldn’t possibly sit still for as long as the snowman did. In fact, she knew as her mom kissed her head and lifted her up to see the top half of the tree, Penelope was more than content to spend her time on the ground. It’s where her family was, and all her snacks, plus, her toys. Lots and lots of toys.

She still had her hiding spot, with plenty of fun things from her first Christmas to keep her busy for months to come. Maybe, if her closest brother was nice enough, she’d show him her special stash so they could play together with the balls and strings and tiny stuffed animals that she had stolen from the tree. But they’d have to keep them a secret, because there were three other siblings, much like her but larger, that would eat these toys, or destroy them with one chomp. The dogs in the house had much less grace than Penelope did, minus the tree-falling incident, of course. Her brother confided in her, long after the tree had been taken down and packed away, that he’d attempted to do the same thing on his first Christmas and several others after, because that snowman just sat there, staring down at him, challenging him to do something, anything. And cats are always up for a challenge.

This didn’t change for Penelope, not exactly. She remained a curious, sweet kitty, but she had no plans to knock down another Christmas tree. At night, when her dreams took her to places where snowmen didn’t rest on branches, she cuddled up next to her eldest sister, a girl of fourteen, and purred her happy cry, because she was a happy cat in a happy home with a happy family, where squishy hollow snowmen only came out once a year. And Penelope was okay with this because a year is a long time for a cat.


Thanks for reading this short story about Penelope the Cat, a real kitty-girl who lives quite happily in the Dawson-Holly household with her fur-brother, River the Cat, and their older dog siblings: Kaylee, Bear, and Zoey. 🙂 

Suicide Prevention Week

Did you know that it’s Suicide Prevention Week? Having experienced suicide in my own family, and spending the last several years researching it for the Station series, I know a little about the topic, but I’m not a counselor or a doctor. I’m just a person, who, like so many others, has been left behind after someone has made the choice to let go. This topic, something so integrated into our society now, and such a huge stress for our youth especially, is still not talked about enough. There’s an invisible barrier up around it, which I challenge everyone to break down and discuss more, because the hardest part about losing someone to suicide is the not knowing how you could have helped them stay. And the more depression and harmful thoughts are talked about and shared, I firmly believe the more support can be given to help those in need.

No one can save the world on their own, but together, imagine what we could do for each other. If you have a moment, watch this touching and short video made by Chester Bennington’s teenage son, making a pledge to reach out if he needs it, and asking viewers to do the same.

Though it may feel like it at times, we aren’t alone. Here’s a *HUG* from me to you, take it and use it whenever you need to. If you need help, it’s okay, but don’t hold it in – call someone. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) can provide those of you in the US with counselors to talk to. You matter.

Summer Break is Over…Now Where is That Damn To-Do List?

Summer Break 2017 is officially over in my house. The kids are in a new school district, with a new schedule, and finger’s crossed, this is going to be a good thing for us all. Other than the extra driving and time spent packing nutritionally sufficient school lunches that aren’t full of bribery items like Oreo cookies, my days are lighter.

This means, in theory, that more work time will be available. Of course, I didn’t sit down at the computer until 11am – 2.5 hours after dropping the last kid at school. Why? Because the house is empty, so I attacked the clutter before it could attack me first (can’t tell y’all how many times a day I trip over a random shoe, slip on someone’s discarded sock, or jump at the sight of a dog fur created dust bunny, thinking it’s an alien creature out for my toes), and then I started laundry (a chore that only seems to grow, not shrink in size), and eventually, food will be involved. Yeah, I’m kinda already tired, and it’s only noon now. Shiz.

I know I need to make a valid, organized, bomb-ass To-Do list to get my work stuff back on track, but not knowing exactly where to start, I went to my calendar first to see what’s up. Thankfully, this reminded me that a big promotion is going on tomorrow for one of my free books (Please grab Dying to Forget – it’s totally free – if you like YA that isn’t full of kissy-kissy stuff. I mean, there’s some of that in the series, but this book dives deep into the dark interwebs of the suicidal mind. Not for the faint of heart, but meant to give the reader hope. Did I say it’s totally free?? Okay, enough plugging, let’s move on…). I was also reminded of all the other stuff I’ve been ignoring, like emails, and the not-so-fun computer work of finding old files, updating them, uploading them, etc…

You get it – there’s always something to do. But today? The list must start. So, to keep myself accountable, I’m writing this blog post as a public way of telling myself that this To-Do list thing needs to become an actual thing. And now, I can scratch off the top item on the list – dusting the webs off the blog. You were a part of my first thing TO DO. Yay!

For me, my To-Do list, let’s just call it the TDL for short, will have to start as a daily thing, built up to a long-term goal type of thing. Creating lists aren’t on my list of strengths. Does anyone else organize their life in a productive way? I’d love to hear your tips for doing this in a timely manner, on something more than scratch paper or sticky notes. Though I’ll never stop using my stickies, sorry, not sorry. Also, I’m not a huge TDL planner book type of person, though I find them gorgeous. In fact, the first thing that would happen, is I’d probably lose the planner. But I haven’t lost my phone yet. Or my computer. I’m open for app recommendations, and the like. Whatever keeps this boat floating for the rest of the year, so that readers get more words. Thanks for the help. 😉

Now, I’ll go back to wandering around my semi-empty, quasi-quiet home (we have three dogs, two cats and a fish…it’s never really boring and silent here), looking for something to do.

HALO Warzone, anyone? 😛

Reasons I’ve Said Fuck Today

It’s Wednesday, yet it feels like Monday. Like, Hump Day’s on snooze after too much wine. Because I realized five minutes ago that I’ve used my favorite expletive way too much (either quietly in my head, or not so quietly out loud), I decided to share the reasons why.

  1. After waking up early, on purpose, I spent an hour on my phone checking emails and social media accounts before I got up to pee. Fuck.
  2. I forgot to charge the phone overnight, which means my hour messing around on it this am drained the battery to critical levels so it couldn’t make the trip to the bathroom with me. Fuck.
  3. I had to change the toilet paper roll. Again. Because no one else in my house knows how to. Fuck.
  4. My toothbrush was in a different spot in the holder than I remember putting it last night. I wonder why. Like, who used it, dropped it, or played with it while I wasn’t looking? Fuck.
  5. The boy got up before me and snuck into the living room where he turned on the TV and ate who knows what before I had a chance to start our day off right with breakfast and school. Fuckety fuck.
  6. I stepped on a dog’s tail. I won’t divulge which dog, but will say she was rather peeved at me, even though I’m sure I only actually stepped on three hairs. Maybe five. Fuck. Fuck.
  7. Realized we have bagels, but no more vegan cream cheese, and the boy actually wants REAL food for breakfast. Fuck.
  8. Remembered that I was supposed to run an errand yesterday that included dropping off paperwork that was most likely still in the back of my car. Slight panic attack. Fuck. THEN remembered I did this already on Monday. Phew.
  9. Can’t for the life of me find that brand new bottle of conditioner I just bought and paid for at Target, but somehow didn’t make it into the house. Fuck.
  10. My favorite jeans are dirty. Fuck.
  11. Stabbed myself in the eyeball with the mascara wand. FUCK.
  12. Went to use my fave coconut butter lotion to keep my freshly shaved legs nice and smooth for more than ten minutes, but forgot the jar was empty and I didn’t buy more from Trader Joe’s this weekend. Fuck.
  13. My minimalist hair-do gives me elf-ears. Fuck.
  14. Ran around the house post-shower for an hour before realizing I forgot to put the Fitbit back on and track my steps. Fuck.
  15. Someone dropped a coffee pod on the kitchen floor then stepped on it. Did you know they explode? According to my 8-year-old, they do. Someone also lost the broom. Again. Someone else may have yelled for it to be found. It quickly was and crisis was averted. Fuck.
  16. My right middle and ring fingers feel like they were smashed in a door, but they weren’t. No middle fingers in the air for me today. Fuck.
  17. I can’t find the cat. Fuck.
  18. The dog looks guilty of something, like, ‘Sorry, but I totally threw up on your bed’, or ‘Bitch, it’s your fault you left the bread so close to the edge of the counter, not mine that I saw it and ate it’, kind of look. Fuck.
  19. A piece of fuzz on the ground looked like a giant bug, so I side-stepped and somehow squished a pinky toe with the same foot. Like…how? Fuck.
  20. It’s not even noon, and I’ve said FUCK way too many times. Fuuuuck.

The Top 5 Things I Learned From Winning NaNoWriMo 2016

So, I did it, I survived November. I’m not talking about the holidays, I’m talking about my first attempt at NaNoWriMo. Wow, what a month it was. For those who don’t know much, if anything about NaNo, it’s a fun way to challenge yourself with other authors to write a book (the default amount is 50,000 words) in a month. It’s National Novel Writing Month = NaNoWriMo. I had no idea what to expect, just that for the last few years, I have thought everyone was out of their damn minds when November came around.

“Write a NOVEL in one MONTH? Pfft, y’all crazy.” – Pre-NaNo Me

But then October came around and I had such a small amount of words on the fourth title in my Find Me series, that I knew for a fact it wasn’t going to get done by the end of the year if I didn’t up my writing game. So, I enlisted in NaNo two days before the month started. I took it seriously, mentally dabbing on my warrior face paint every morning, happily ignoring laundry piles for days at a time, forgetting almost completely that I had friends and that Vit D from the sun is a pretty amazing thing. I could rock out 1,667 words every day to hit my goal of 50,000 words in a month. That sounds completely attainable, doesn’t it? Well, you won’t believe what happened, and honestly, I kind of don’t really believe it yet either.

The Top 5 Things I Learned From Winning NaNoWriMo 2016:

#1 Procrastination is my enemy

This isn’t anything you haven’t heard a million times in your life since the first time you crash-studied the day before an exam in primary school. Writers know this intimately. We even use our writing as a form of procrastination by excusing our behavior as part of the process. I mean, it is, I’m not knocking research time (a necessity), copious amounts of chocolate (also a necessity), or alcohol consumption (borderline addiction for most). But, for some of us, putting off the inevitable is completely standard, and acceptable. Unless you really want to release your book. When you set a goal, have a deadline in sight, and a way to stay accountable, then it’s much easier to turn your process into productive time, and not self-wallowing or Netflix-binging. NaNo did this for me. I took it seriously and did my 1,667 words a day, plus some.

#2 I’m too hard on myself

Every writer goes through similar, if not the same struggles during the creative process of researching, writing, editing, formatting, publishing, marketing, etc… This is not a job for the lazy (even though I sit on my ass most the day, sometimes not writing anything for my WIP), nor is writing a job for those looking to make a quick dollar. Writing is very intimate, very personal and soul-fleshing. We authors put our minds on the page and invite strangers to devour them. This is scary shit for some of us, I won’t lie. Since I’m being honest, 2016 was a tough year – financially, and in general. Selling books didn’t come easy this year, nor did setting aside time for writing. I became to loath my job, and doubt myself as a writer. It got so dark in my head for a bit, that I considered throwing in the towel. But, then I realized a lot of my author friends were experiencing similar drops with some of their titles. It wasn’t them, it was the industry, the economy, the competition for sales. It’s just life. It goes up and down and we have to hold on so we don’t fall off. NaNo taught me this month, that if I get out of my own head long enough, I can also let the voices out onto the page. Rather than being hard on myself, I was hard on my computer. It worked.

#3 Accountability is key

Organization is not my thing. If your socks are all matching and neatly tucked into each other, next to your tri-folded color-coordinated underwear, then this point is simply about stuff you already know. Plus, I may envy you a tad, but let’s forget that for a sec and focus on the positive: This month I learned that my way of doing things, which is often by the seat of my pants on a schedule I create, doesn’t work to produce the amount of material I would like to see come out in a year. The simple yet helpful tools on the NaNo site MADE me accountable for daily check-ins and word count updates. I wanted to earn my badges and be a winner, whatever that meant. Checking in online once a week with my writer friends was not giving me an immediate sense of accomplishment, because like I said, I was entering a Dark Zone not long ago. NaNo helped pull me out of that and show me how easy it is to hit my goals with the right tools, including some I already have on hand. I did not become a planner overnight, but I did learn that adjusting my preferences might help me in the long run.

#4 Don’t compare, admire

NaNo was not about rushing to the finish line before my other writer friends, it was about racing against myself. Can I do this? Should I do this? Will I do this? Every time I saw a status update from a fellow NaNo participant, I cheered them on – because that’s what we should be doing. I did not return to my computer and curse myself for only getting in 500 words for my first sprint of the day. No one wins anything by comparing themselves to others. It’s a dangerous and slippery slope that us authors tend to fall on our asses while climbing, because guess what, we are all different and unique. Some of us have experienced luck, some have not. Some of us have tremendous talent, some are still learning. NaNo is not about beating everyone else. If you win, it’s because YOU made it to the 50,000 mark and YOU deserve a pat on the back for your hard work. When I hit the mark on my 17th day, I hadn’t thought it would be possible. And yes, I printed out the Winner certificate because I’m a nerd and for me, it was kind of a big deal.

#5 It’s totally possible

So. I won NaNoWriMo 2016. Thousands of other people did as well. Thousands more may not have hit the 50,000 mark, but life happens, and their goals may have been different, and they are just as amazing at the NaNo ‘winners’. In my mind, all those who participated and put in an effort are winners. Y’all rock. What I learned last night at 11:54 when I was rushing to get my final sprint of November in so I could tally up the 99,600+ words I’d written in 30 days, is that the word count itself was not the prize – the way I feel is. I have an almost complete book, IN ONE MONTH. I did it. Despite being married to a busy retail manager who just opened up a new store in town, two children who need to be ferried about throughout the week for school and SPED appts, three dogs and a cat who was an asshole two nights ago because he wanted to go outside in the middle of the night in the blustery air to stare at the stars, I was able to forgo some of my Netflix binge-watching and video game playing and chores, to reach my daily goal, which quadrupled on my good days. That’s how it happened, folks, there was no secret. I did what ‘they’ say, and I wrote. Editing through the first round might suck big time, but the first draft is only mere hours away from completion – thanks to NaNoWriMo. If I can do this, with my crazy and funky schedule and part sloth-like lifestyle, I know that so many others who doubt themselves can do it too. Bonus: I didn’t OD on chocolate or wine. The kids are both alive, as are all the animals. My laundry looks about the same today as it did one month ago, and six months before that. Writing is not about the numbers, but a number can be the goal. So, set your long term goal and your daily goal, set your mind right, and just do it. Nike has created an entire brand off this logo, and guess what, it gets shit done. 😉

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I cannot wait to finish this book and share it with my readers. It was a fun ride, and working on it in such a quick amount of time made me closer to my characters, if that’s even possible. If you want to know more about the world I’ve been lost in over the last month, check out my FIND ME SERIES – hey, the first book is free, so you lose nothing but the time it takes to read it. I hope you find it more entertaining than the back of a toilet paper package. 😀